Dissecting Alanis Morissette's Ironic.

I listened to a song today. A song that everytime I listen to it, makes me kind of make a weird face and utter the words, "Really?" No song does this more than Ironic by Alanis Morissette.

Okay, I guess the stuff in the song is ironic to an extent. But, the vast majority of the events are really horrible situations or incredible bad luck for those involved.

To me ironic is a man named Lefty who has to sign his checks with his right hand. That is ironic.

So, I am going to dissect this song like a frog in biology. And prove to Alanis that her logic of irony is flawed.

Here we go:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day...

He probably saw that one coming. Plus, if you were ninety-eight and you won the lottery, you probably would not care. Because what are you going to do with that money? Massive quantities of pistachio pudding? Okay, horrible example. This would only be ironic if something he purchased with the money killed him.


It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

Let me crack a egg of fly knowledge on you, a fly is attracted to fruit odors/scent. Chardonnay is a wine made of green grapes a.k.a.: a fruit. Henceforth, it would contain some degree of fruit scent of which it would give off to attract for the sack of this argument, I don't know lets just say a fly. Secondly, and let's just get this elephant out of the room... Why does the fly have to be black?

It's a death row pardon two minutes too late

I know Alanis is Canadian. But, really? Have you at least seen Law & Order? This is America. Homie don't play that. If someone is getting the boom-boom-pow, they are supposed to get the boom-boo-pow. If you murder 35 penguins, 9 humans and steal a bag of Skittles. You may get the Skittles charge thrown out, but you still killed 35 penguins and 9 humans.

In the words of the Meat Puppets, Alanis:


"Where do bad folks go when they die
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
Go to a lake of fire and fry
See them again 'till the Fourth of July"


And isn't it ironic... don't you think

Nope.


It's like rain on your wedding day

You try telling this to someone who had there most important day likened to the fifth inning of a baseball game. I can not put myself in the shoes of a bride. But, I can guess if there is rain on their wedding day a handful of things would probably occur:

1. Somebody is crying.
2. Somebody is getting a shoe thrown at them.
3. (Insert drunk family member) is getting a head start at the open bar.
4. The bride and or groom is not thinking that it is ironic in the slightest bit. Three grand for the lake front villa and white rose floral arrangement, plus another two grand for the party. You are looking at five grand for nothing. And don't even say they could just re-book. In this hypothetical situation the lake front villa's are all booked. They could however dip into their rainy day fund and shoot for a small wedding next year. Now, that is ironic. What with having to pay for a rained out wedding, with their rainy day fund.

It's a free ride when you've already paid

Well, yeah the ride is free after you paid. Just like food is free after you pay for it. The same goes for socks too. Free rides always end badly. Ask   Rebecca Black, she still does not know what seat she should take, and that was free. When you pay you usually get assigned a seat and there is no/minimal conflict. Plus, if someone after me gets a freebie I am yelling refund like nobodies business.


It's the good advice that you just didn't take

Chalking this one up to poor judgement.

Scoreboard?

Poor Judgement: 1
Irony: -23

Who would've thought... it figures

Clearly you did Alanis... Or did not.


Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

I am calling malarky on this one. Why would he wait his whole life to do something he does not want to. That is like me saying, "Man, I just do not want to get eaten by a shark" and then one day I put on a meat suit and jump in the ocean. Like, no. That is just unrealistic.

Plus, if a plane is going down I am not making reflective quips on my bad luck. I am crying like a baby trying to barter with the big guy up stairs for a front row seat in heaven.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

Yes? I mean that really is not ironic. That is like saying life is good when you are eating Taco Bell. But, not so much after. Or you do not have enough money for a Hot and Ready, but you have enough for a McDouble and fries.

That makes sense right?

Food always makes sense.

A traffic jam when you're already late

Get an alarm clock. Pull a Bruce Almighty. This one is on you and your poor planning and lack of punctuality. Do you have a radio in your car? Traffic updates, best invention next to the game of nose goes. Plus, do you think your boss will by the irony excuse? Or when you phrase your excuse like:

"I was running late and then I hit traffic... isn't it ironic... don't you think?"

Your boss if smart will fire you for not being late, but for trying to use Alanis Morissette lyrics to explain why those TPS reports were not on his desk.

Either that, or he will ask you to come in on Saturday's. But you just adapted this real care free lifestyle and you just met this waitress played by Jennifer Aniston and...

Man, that could be a movie.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

First off, if you have a mandated obviously pre-planned/determined break, specifically designated for smoking, why in the creature of the blue lagoon would there be a no-smoking sign in anywhere near the vacinaty of which you are smoking?

Secondly, if there is a such a sign. Said smoker probably does not give a hoot or a half. And it is probably living the dream and putting their said cigarette out on the no-smoking sign.

Thirdly, you try telling a smoker they can't smoke. Plus, I already have this situation playing in my head of how this would play out. I envision the smoker sounding a lot like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqPiJ0L7YmY

And saying something like this:

"I've been working here for thirty years... and now you have the hutzpah to tell me I can't smoke... wait till Bobby hears about this..."


It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

Show me a person who owns ten thousand spoons, and I will show you a person living a lie.

It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

IF he is the man of your dreams you would know he had a wife, as you would have met said wife of his in the same dream in which you were dreaming of him... in your dreams of him. So, when the dream was personified you would have felt a certain deja vu type feeling. Realizing that you must have met the wife before. You did of course met her in your dreams. When of course you were dreaming the dreams that contained the man of your dreams.

Inception.


And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Clearly it is not anymore ironic than me writing an ironic piece on ironies.

Now isn't that a little too ironic... don't you think?