Witty Things I Thought Of At Brad Penny's Expense

I hate Brad Penny. This is fact. I like to make fun of Brad Penny. This is also fact. Come, read things I just thought of while being mad at Brad Penny. And if you would like, you can make fun of him too. Just leave your best Brad Penny quips as a comment. This could be one giant Brad Penny hating thread/meme. I just started crying tears of joy.

Well, here they are:

Everytime a hitter against Brad Penny swings, an angel gets his wings... and that hitter probably got an RBI.

Everytime Verlander pitches, he could throw a no-hitter. Everytime Brad Penny pitches, that could never happen.

They call a Gordie Howe hat-trick a goal, an assit, and a fight. A Brad Penny complete game is the third inning.

Brad Penny avoids the strike-zone like he avoids the fifth inning.

Jeremy Bonderman called, and even he said giving up six runs in an inning is too much.

Before people used to say "A penny for your thoughts", but Detroiters now know the saying is " A Penny for a start... yeah, we lost"

We found Osama before he found the strike zone.

Stevie Wonder once listened to a Brad Penny game on the radio and said, "Thank God I am blind, so I don't have to see this."

A MetroPCS contract is lower than his ERA.

Brad Penny gives away runs like Oprah gives away cars.

Brad Penny makes 3,000,000 dollars this year. I just threw up.

Segue... When Brad Penny throws, his ERA goes up. See what I did there?

In Soviet Russia they don't even pitch Brad Penny.

Things I would do for 3,000,000 dollars: Quite a bit.
Things Brad Penny does for 3,000,000 dollars: Not pitch well.

Brad Penny looks like that one guy from Color Me Badd:
http://images.usatoday.com/life/_photos/2005/08/26/abrams.jpg

That just made you laugh, didn't it?

Dave Dombrowski, every other team in Major League Baseball just called and they just thanked you... What with signing Brad Penny... Sooo they did not have to. Get it?

And the first Brad Penny thing I ever wrote:

If Brad Penny were a magician, he'd be a shitty magician too.

That's all I got so far.

Ahhh. I just thought of another one: The Tiger's bail out Penny more than Obama bails out Wall Street.

Zinger.