Public Pools Are For Fools (Part I)

I have to start this off by saying this, if you have troubles with your self-esteem, if you feel inadequate or do not like your body, just go to a public pool. Forget about countless hours of therapy and the thousands of dollars that costs, and just pay sixteen dollars to go to a public pool.

Because after seeing five people with barbed-wire tattoos, the guy who knows his bathing suit is too small (he has to, I mean good lord)/the woman who knows she flashing side-boob like a stop light at one in the morning, the woman with the rose tattoo on her left teet and the man who is redder than Rudolph's nose... and who looks like he just ate Rudolph... all of him... at once.

You kind of feel this inner happiness and say to yourself, "You know, I do not have that six-pack of abs, but at least I do not have a falcon skull tattoo on my left shoulder... at least I think that guy thinks it is a falcon tattoo, but to me it kind of looks like somebody photobombed a picture of Woody the Woodpecker".

Phew. I feel better already.

Then you actually get in the pool. Whole new ballgame folks.

You have to treat a public pool like your are invading a country. You have to establish your parameters and take no prisoners. If you see an inner tube floating about, you take it. You can even George Bush it and just start taking over all the inner tubes and invade others peoples space, so in a way, you could be invading many persons space all at the same time, while forgetting all about the original inner tube that you decided to go in the pool for.

(Gratuitous political metaphor)

What?

Anyway, the pool was like a concert crowd. There were the people in groups, the kids who just screamed the whole time, the people who had no clue why they were there and the people who just took up space.

Also, the music playing was like Doug FM, if Doug just decided to piss everybody off and play late 1990's pop. Not even like the Varsity squad of late 1990's pop ala your N*Sync, Britney Spears, etc. We are talking like the benchwarmers on the Junior Varsity squad of late 1990's pop. Example: that one song from O-Town that nobody liked and likes even less because they have no choice but to listen to it.

Then there was the lazy river.

More like a river full of lies.

Calling this lazy river lazy, was like calling the Cedric the Entertainer entertaining. Maybe at some point it was, but right now it is not living up to it's name. I had to tread in two and a half feet a water. I am calling mad bannana split (B.S. for those keeping score at home) on this one.

I hopped on the tube and started drifting towards the wall. Naturally, I start saying, "Dale Earnhardt", I think the man with Jesus tattoo on his man boob got offended. Then all of the sudden I went from zero to at least one and a half miles an hour.

I was booking it.

The second time around, my brother and I decided to use the double tube do-hicky-ma-bopper. We flipped over right after the cove. And in front of the lifeguard. We were probably the first two idiots to have ever un-lazied the lazy river. But after all, we are trend setters.

I feel like I want to write more about this, but I feel watching re-runs of Teen Mom is more important.

Amber and Gary, hmm.

I feel like I saw them at the pool today.