New Rules

Last year when I was on my high school newspaper (The Husky), I had this amazing teacher. Her name was Linda Bejma, and in many ways she changed my life. She gave me so many opportunities in the short time I knew, and one of those opportunities was a column I got for the last two issues of the paper last year.

The theme was based off a segment on Bill Maher's show Real Time With Bill Maher. A segment New Rules. In the segment he talks about things that get on his nerves and gives comical rules that people who do those things would have to do adhere to from then on.

Bejma thought that kind of thing would be right up my alley and asked me to do my own. And I did.

So in homage to Bejma every Wednesday on this blog I will do my own New Rules. 

Since I am a little rusty this week will be a Greatest Hits of sorts from one's that I did while I was on the Husky.

New Rule: People who wear UFC, Tapout, and skateboarding t-shirts who do not participate in those activities should be forced to. Wearing a t-shirt does not make you a barbaric cage-fighter or a bragadocious skateboarder. It makes you a wanna-be.

New Rule: Barack Obama is not a communist, nor is he a socialist. Do not get in argument with me about socialism when you do not even know the definition. In that scenario I have every right to take you to the nearest chalk board and have you write out "I do not know what socialism is" 1000 times on that very chalkboard. Afterwords, I can show you examples of actual communist and socialistic societies and show how our constitution is fundamentally based on socialistic ideals.

New Rule: Stop telling me that Universal Health Care comes with death panels. Universal Health Care does not come with death panels. Well, because there is no such thing. Just because a former politician says it on a blog, it does not make it true. No, your grandparents will not be refused care. In fact, Universal Health Care means just that- an all encompassing Health Care system that does not neglect or segregate. And actually does away with the real death panels, the insurance companies and their get out of jail free card... pre-existing conditions.

New Rule: Young Tea Partiers. It would help your cause if you actually knew what exactly your proposed “revolution” involves. Obama did not invent taxes, so stop acting like it. Under Obama’s watch taxes have actually gone down five percent for most middle class families, and 95 percent of Americans would get a tax break under his economic plan. John Lennon once said it best, “You say you want a revolution. Well, you know. We all want to change the world.” But the fact is you are not changing the world and you are not starting a revolution. You are in actuality de-revolutionizing; you are stalemating any progress that can be made. You are halting any change that could happen. Any change that needs to happen. Much like your Republican counterparts in Washington.

New Rule: Elder Tea Partiers. The big bad health care boogeyman is not coming to get you. The majority of you who already have Medicare and collect social security checks will be safe. Ironically, you will be protected with government sanctioned health care. The same government sanctioned health you do not want even though you already have it and have been getting for years. Much like your younger constituents you really should do your homework. It might help your cause if you new what your cause was.

New Rule: Justin Beiber. Nobody cares about how your last name is pronounced. Because by the time everyone pronounces it right, your fifteen minutes of fame will be over. Before you jump into the rap game and start rolling with your posse you might want to take the training wheels off you bicycle. If you want to be a rapper at least hold out until you have a license, and your mother let’s stay out until midnight. You know because that gives you some street cred.

 New Rule: Bro. Hey man. Dude. Listen I have to tell you like the sweetest thing ever. Like this thing was like dude and like it was like dude and bro I was like dude. Stop. When the word dude and like accounts for 95-98 percent of your description. It might not be the sweetest thing ever. 

New Rule: Person with gum. I know it was not your last piece, I know you did not leave it at home. I know it is not in your locker. It is in your pocket. I am just asking for a measly piece of gum. Not a million dollars. I am just asking for a little tropical flavored treat to get me through the day.

New Rule: To all you Ernie Harwell detractors. He is not just an announcer. He is the single most important sports figure in Michigan history. Sure there are the Howe's, Lindsay's, Kaline's, Cobb's, Dumar's, Lanier's, Yzerman's, and Sander's. But there is and will only be one Harwell. He personified what being an athlete and professional was all about. And he never actually donned the old English D. He just described the people who did. If you grew up a Tiger fan, you grew up with Ernie. And now there will be a generation that will never get to experience the voice of summer, but they will forever get to indulge in the vast history that was so eloquently reverberated to us through the voice of Ernie. 

What Happened On My Birthday (Part II)

After Detroit One Coney Island we wanted to hit up a few record stores in Detroit, and one that Craig had written down was right next door to Detroit One Coney Island. That record store was People's Records. And it opened at 12. It was only 11:45 ish and we had time to kill.

So, we decided to leave the coney island and walk up and down Woodward.

Right as we left there was a homeless man outside the door. He asked if we could spare him some change, so he  could get a cup of coffee. Right when he asked us, I immediately thought of my mom's reaction whenever I told her that I gave a homeless person in Detroit money. It is always the, "They probably used it for drugs, alcohol, etc."

And every time I hear someone say that to me all I can think is maybe. Maybe they did use it for drugs or alcohol. But, maybe they used it for coffee they said they were going to use it for.

Needless to say, I did not have any spare change. I did however have about five bucks. So, I gave it to the man. All I could think was my mom rolling her eyes when I told her I gave five dollars to a homeless man. Just on the hope that maybe he would spend it on that cup of coffee. And as we were walking away and the homeless man said, "God bless yall." I looked over my shoulder and saw the door to the coney island open and that homeless man that I just gave money to was entering it. To get his cup of coffee.

I can go on about how well that event can cross into a metaphor for Detroit. But I will not. I will just say one very general thing. When you give something hope, when you show something or someone that you actually care. Prepare to be surprised. Because that is when unbelievable things can happen. That is when the good in people come out, and that is when good people can build something memorable.

After conversing with the homeless man, Craig and I walked up and down Woodward. Two white kids in broad daylight in the heart of Detroit strolling down Woodward Avenue. And wouldn't you know it, we did not get mugged, or stabbed, or even abducted.

It was finally noon and the record store was open. And right when I stepped in I looked around to get a feel for it, and my first thought was, "Oh my Mo-Town." I mean Marvin, Aretha, Temptations, Four Tops, everyone was covered.

Craig and I were like two kids in a candy store. Craig pointed out a Van Morrison record (Blowin' Your Mind!) It was four bucks and I figured why not. That was until I saw it. Aretha Franklin: Lady Soul. Now, I can not put into words how it feels to find such a good vinyl record. I got the feeling when I found Dark Side of the Moon, I got it when I found Sgt. Pepper. And I got that same feeling with Lady Soul.

Then I got it with another record there. Iggy and the Stooges: Fun House. It did not have a price, but it said poor condition. I looked over and Craig looked it over and figured it was worth a shot for the right place. So we went to purchase our finds and got to confront Mr. Hipster Man who was working the cashier.

He was going to over-charge me for Fun House and tried using his knowledge acting as if he knew more about records than Craig and I combined. "Oh yeah, damaged sleeve... couple scratches..." He thought he was king of the castle. Until Craig said, "Yeah we already knew that."

I ended up getting Fun House for about two bucks. Victory.

From People's Records we departed in search of another record store off of Woodward. The name escapes me, and it really does not matter because it turns out this place does not exist. Or it was using the church at its supposed location as a front.

On the way we got sort of lost. We did not know quite where we were, but you are never really truly lost in Detroit. As the city is practically a grid. If you drive long enough you will hit Jefferson or Woodward and be un-lost.

And that is exactly what we did. In our side-tracking voyage we got to see Russell Industrial, a few spots in Detroit that I had not even seen before, like this neighborhood that was full of mansions, and we drove past a Pawn Shop and were about to stop, but there was no where to park.

After our failed record store trip we decided to go to this place that Craig wanted to go to for a long time. The place was called Showtime Detroit.

We got out of the car, walked through the wooden doors and we were greeted by one of the coolest men ever to walk this Earth.

I mean when you think of all the cool things that have walked the Earth you get a lot of things. For example, the T-Rex, Mike Ditka, Emilio Estevez, Tom Hanks and Santa Claus. But none of those had anything on this man.

None of these had anything on Showtime Dan.

What Happened On My Birthday (Part I)

I honestly do not know how to start this entry. Because, I as go through my mind looking back on all the immense random awesomeness that occurred, I get in the favorite Beatle song complex. Meaning, when I state a favorite Beatle song, I immediately in my mind say, "No, wait this one!" And then after I say that one, I get the same thought.

Actually, I lied. I do know how to start this entry. I will start it by saying that this entry will boldly cross over from the innocent witty blog, to a blog that contains some "choice" or "adult" language. Not because I want to, but because I have to. All because of Showtime Dan.

They day started with me waking up early. Not because I was all geeked up for my birthday, but because I was going to go to Detroit with my friend Craig. You may be saying that going to Detroit on a Saturday morning is no way to spend a birthday. You could not be any more wrong. And you clearly did not experience what Craig and I did.

I should introduce Craig, yeah that is a good idea. Craig is a smashing young fellow to say the least. He plays in a few bands, has amazing taste in music, and also has quite the vinyl collection. He is also a contributor to my alma mater's (Lakeview) newspaper, the Husky. He wanted to go to Detroit because he was doing a story on Glenn Beck's comments on Detroit, and he wanted to interview people from Detroit to get their take on his comments on their city.

There, now that we are all filled in we can truly start this journey.

A journey that began around 10:30 in the morning when Craig picked me up. He already had a few places in mind where he wanted to go and we both agreed to just go with the flow. And then we were of to a place aptly known as "The D."

We jetted down I-94 listening to a plethora of music, ranging from garage to mo-town and pretty much everything in between. And before you know it we got off on our exit and badda bing, badda boom we were cruising Woodward Avenue.

Now you may say two white boys cruising Woodward in the heart of Detroit is a bad idea. But, as Craig said best, "I mean how could you not like this? Just look at that skyline." And I did. We were miles away from the Renaissance Building, but it felt like if I stuck my arm out long enough from where I was in the car, I could touch it. Even as an avid supporter of Detroit, I found myself saying I loved this place and truly meaning it. Like the first time you realize you love your significant other. You do not realize it when they do a great act, it hits you when they do the most mundane thing. And staring at that skyline was that one mundane thing that made me say, "I love Detroit."

Our first stop was at Detroit One Coney Island (a.k.a first Wayne's World-esque Gratuitous Plug of a Detroit Establishment). Now, if you want a burger for dirt cheap, that tastes like you are eating heaven condensed into a sandwich, go to Detroit One Coney Island and get the Bacon Cheeseburger, and when I say go I do not mean tomorrow. I mean right this instant.

Then Craig and I started talking. He then remembered it was birthday and told me he was paying. I told him I would not hesitate to projectile him through the window we were sitting next to. And I told him, "I swear to god you will make the news for all the wrong reasons if you pay." He kept on playing the birthday card and I caved.

It was also around this time that we tried calling our friend Kelvin. Whom when reached on his cellular device sounded like Louis Armstrong gargling Listerine. He apparently had quite the Friday night. And needless to say, he did not join us.

Finally Craig got in interview mode. And then he knocked over his water accidentally and it spilled all over the  floor. And the waitress came to clean it up. Craig looked at me and said, "What do I do? Should I still interview her?" To which I dickishly replied, "Well, already broke the ice literally." To which he just blankly looked at me and said, "Funny."

Like a true scholar he pressed on with the interview. It turned out the waitress did not know Glenn Beck or live in Detroit. And I glanced over and I saw that Craig had that look. And I knew exactly how he felt and what was going through his mind. As I had been in his position before. The position of participating in a failed interview. It is one of the worst feelings in the world as a journalist. On the outside you keep your cool, but on the inside you are just shouting, "Just give me one fricken quote, just one please, for the love of god."

Things I Anticipated To Have Done By My 19th Berfday

People have bucket lists. That should come as no surprise, but some people actually set deadlines on certain events on their bucket list. Now that I am a fine and smashing 19 year old fellow, I began to look back at things that me at say age 7 er so would have that I would have done by now.

1.) Be on GUTS and or Legends of the Hidden Temple and completely devour the competition and punch a Temple Guard in the face. Because, I never understood how if you were running through the Dark Forest and a Temple Guard grabbed you, how you would not instinctfully punch him in the wedding jewels. Because I took D.A.R.E. and I learned if a stranger grabs you in a dark place, it is : Step 1: Nutcracker. Step 2: Run. Except in Legends of the Hidden Temple terms it would have been: Step 1: Nutcracker. Step 2: Win, and receive a life time supply of Sketchers, an N64 and a hundred dollar gift card to Toys 'R Us. Which at that point in my life was on par to a gazillion dollars.

2.) Fly

3.) Play for the Red Wings, Tigers, Pistons, and Packers. Logistically, this seemed possible as I acted like I was a member of each said team when I was 7 and acted out games in my yard and drive-way. Realistically, at age 19. Kind of impossible, now I can not fault myself on this one. But, I if do not do this by the time I am 20, then it was a failure.

4.) Be a member of the Mighty Ducks. Not the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. The movie Mighty Ducks. As a 7 year you could  not convince that it was not real. I actually hoped to one day play only side Charlie Conway and be coached by Gordon Bombay. But then I found out Bombay was Emilio, so I dodged that bullet.

5.) Be a Ghostbuster.

6.) Have 100 dollars. Now, I did do this. But at the time (being a 7 year old) and having an income based off of Birthdays/Christmas/Easter/Random Acts of Family Donation. I thought having a C-note to my name was big stuff.

7.) Invent a sport involving roller skates, football, soccer, basketball, and deep sea fishing. Do not even ask.

8.) Be a sports announcer. I always used to act like a commentator whenever I played sports games. Still do, so the dream lives.

9.) Be the next Beatles. Then I learned that they were actually four separate. I was stunned.

10.) Be on Mr. Dress Up. Greatest show ever produced by the Canadian Broadcasting Company.

12.) Not have an 11th thing that I hoped to accomplish by now.

13.) Be a firefighter or police officer. I mean why not. Come to thing of it though. If I indeed did become a Red Wing/Tiger/Piston/Packer/Mighty Duck/Beatles/Police Officer/Fire Fighter, I would of have no time to of been of GUTS.

14.) Be John Travolta's character from Grease. Again, do not even ask. Actually, I will elaborate. I saw Grease at thought it was amazing, and I had this little leather jacket and I used to rock it, I also had this Big Wheel at my grandma's. And I always used to wear my jacket and ride up and down the street thinking I was a Greaser.

15.) Go on Sesame Street and fight Big Bird. Alright, when I was 7, before all this Team Jacob/Team Edward stuff. There was in my mind Team Big Bird/Team Kermit. I was on Team Kermit. Still to this day I do not trust or like yellow birds. Especially one's who are 6'7 and tell me what the letter of the day is.

16.) Have a red Mustang, with a tan drop-top and drive my grandma around it in. Because at 7 years old there were three things I loved.

1.) Baseball
2.) Bubble Gum
3.) My grandma/other family members.

And I still love them all.

17.) Go to a Tiger's game with my neighbor Eleanor. I love you and miss you Eleanor. You were the best neighbor ever. It is because of you I am addicted to Swedish Fish and listening to Tiger baseball on the radio. Because like you always said, "The Tigers just sound better when Ernie is talking about them." I cherish those times when you baby sat me and I would always sit on that green chair, and you would sit on your recliner and we would just talk about whatever a 7 year old would talk about. And how you always called me a handsome young man. Again, I love and miss you.

18.) Solve a rubix rube. F those things with a tuba. I digress.

19.) Find Carmen San Diego.

20.) Be on All That/Not poop myself during Are You Afraid of the Dark. Now to clarify. All That was my Saturday Night Live as kid, I so badly wanted to be Super Dude or REPAIR MAN MAN MAN MANNN MANNNNNNNNNNNN. And as for the not pooing during Are You Afraid of the Dark. I never did soil myself just by watching the show. I did however find myself answering the question of, "Are You Afraid of the  Dark?" With, "Yes, clearly I am."

So you could say I may have not accomplished anything, but I just saw Inception for the first time. So in a parallel universe I did do these things in my mind. Or I was dream chased by Leo.

Which leads me to the next thing I wanted to do by the time I was 19....

I am kidding. I never dreamt of being dream chased. Or did I?

Oh god, I am getting Inception-ed.

Bumm, bummm, bummmm!

I Think I Am A Horrible Person Now...

Today was just one of those days. You know, the kind of day when you look in the mirror, or go to Culver's with friends and realize, "Man, I am just a horrible person." And boy did that realization sting a bit. But, I realized if I am going to hell in a hand basket, I will probably have to scoot over to make room for my friends Craig and Alex.

The jokes they say at times can make even Andrew Dice Clay go, "That is messed up." Their Helen Keller jokes  are even more obscene. They push the boundaries of what is considered ethical. They conjure the proverbial O-M-G. They have no reason to be said in public forum, yet they same them. And I laugh every time.

I absolutely have to share my three favorite Helen Keller jokes that were said today (and if you are thinking, "How dare you be so insensitive!" May I refer you to the entry title... Plus, you know you want to read them too.)

So here they are:

Craig: "Hey did you hear about the knew Helen Keller toy? Yeah, you just pull a string and it runs into furniture around the house."
Alex: "Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she jumped off a climb? Because she had mittens on."
Craig: "How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They made her read a basketball. What did that say Helen? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

And I laughed at every single one. Openly exclaiming through my laughter, "That is sooooo bad, but damn it it is funny." And each time I laughed I had the epiphany that I may be turning into a horrible person.

What confirmed it was later in the day when I picked up Chinese food for dinner.

Now, okay I love it when cashiers/waiters/etc. are sociable. I enjoy it, in fact I appreciate it. But, I hate it when cashiers throw in the curve-ball salutation when I am leaving. Like instead of saying, "Have a nice day." They roll with, "Enjoy your food." Because I am already mentally programmed to say. "You too."

To further exacerbate this I will share a story about why I hate, or should I say really do not enjoy when cashiers throw in the curve-ball bye-bye.

This story took place in the C-Store at my college SVSU. The C-Store is like our campus 7-11. I purchased a bag of chips and a beverage, and this cashier who I had befriended was at the register. Every time she said, "Have a good night." and I always said, "You too." This time she switched it up, and went with, "Enjoy the food." And since it was already mentally on deck I said, "You too." And I immediately followed that with, "Wait, what no that makes no sense how could you enjoy my food." I felt like a real jackal.

Now after Taratino-ing it there for a second let me reel you in back to the Chinese restaurant. Same exact thing happened. Instead of, "Have a nice night" it was "Enjoy the food" Here you would expect me to mentally call an audible and respond with, "Thank you, and have a good night." And I thank you for expecting that I am capable of that, but I of course blew it and said, "You too."

Then in the car on the way home I thought to myself, "Huh, people think it will be bad when robots get human emotions, but what if humans get robotic with their emotions?" But then I mentally rushed through every single robot movie and realized as long as the human race has Will Smith we are good.

And after my dad and I ate the delicious chinese food, my brother came home. And what is the first thing I did? Told him the Helen Keller jokes. All the while in the back of mind all I could think was, "I think I am a horrible person now."

But my brother laughed at the jokes too, so by joke laughter association he is going to hell too.

So if I am going to hell, I think I am going to need a bigger hand basket.

The Great Debate With Dan

I guess you could say I got a twofer last night. I had an eventful car ride on the way to my friend Frank's, and in a way I had an even more eventful ride back.

You all know what happened on the way there. The whole Honest Abe story. Yeah, well on the way back amidst the thick fog that made me feel like I was driving into the great unknown I had a verbal tift with my friend Dan.

The seeds of this verbal tango started after I dropped off Samuel. And by the time we got on Stephens. It got real. It lasted about 20 minutes and culminated in his drive-way at 1:20 in the morning.

What did we argue about? Well, my popularity in 7th and 8th grade.

Dan was adamant that I was popular. I on the other hand, took the stance of, "How? What in the blue hell makes you think that?" He was still stedfast in his statement though. He legitimately thought I was popular.

Before I continue let me just tell you of what I think popular is. When I think popular I think A.C. Slater, I think George Clooney, I think Jay Gatsby. I do not think Aaron Zaremski in 7th and or 8th grade.

As I told Dan, I was the funny fat kid who was neither funny or fat. I was kind of just there. Then he played his best card. He played the girlfriend card. He said my girlfriend in 8th grade was popular, therefore I was popular by association. He also said I hung out with other popular people so he was convinced that I was popular.

At this point I was convinced that Dan was potentially concussed some how. Because he was grabbing incoherent arguments out of the wild blue yonder and was trying to pass them off as logic thought out statements in regards to the subject at hand.

Then it dawned on me, I needed to wreck his flow. I had to but him in a daze and in the immortal words of that Mortal Kombat Guy I had to "Finish Him." So what did I do? I turned the tables on his ass of course. How did I do it? Well, by simply saying, "Bull, I always thought that you were popular."

As I saw his esteem rise, I felt like I had my in. This argument was going to swing in my favor. Right? Wrong. Mr. Daniel Marvalo Lipa just swung it back on me by saying, "Nope, nope I am telling you, you were more popular than me. That bastard.

So naturally when I got home I had to make the argument Facebook official. And I posted, "Still can not get over the absurdity of last night's conversation. No matter what you say Mr. Daniel Marvalo Lipa, I was not popular in middle school."


Then my Bash Bro. Jamie commented by saying, "You were"


Effin A Cotton. 


Then I texted my friend Rachel figuring she would be on my side. Negative.


She said amongst other things, "Accept it as fact." I said, "Never." Her rebuttal, "Don't be ashamed. If Bill Coole had invited me to a sleepover it'd be all over my Myspace."


And it was back in the day...


So touche.


But it was all over Dan's too.


So I'd say I won the argument.


Who the hell am I kidding, Danny hates social networking.


So, I guess you have to refer to me as A.C. Slater from now on, because this guy (me) was apparently popular back in the day.

Honest Abe

Now. I have very funny friends, but I have to admit that only a handful of them really, really make me laugh. And one of those people is my friend Sam.

His stories are profound to say the least, he has a way of explaining "hairy" situations in an incredibly comical way, that make you feel for him, yet you still want to laugh in his face. Whether it be when he said the Our Father over the P.A. in an English accent or the subsequent impeachment of his class Presidency that followed, he really has a way of being able to make fun of the situations he was in.

Last night Sam gave another one of those stories.

He told it as I was driving to Dan's to pick him up for poker at my friend Frank's. Sam was sitting shot-gun, and we were discussing having to deal with little kids, because Sam is contemplating becoming a certified swim instructor so he could get a raise.

We both came to the consensus that having to deal with kids really is not that bad. But, when they are in groups there is always that one kid who has to be related to Damien from the Omen. Just that kid who goes out of his way to sabotage your self-esteem.

Sam was also leery about the idea of being liable for kids who do not know how to swim, and since they will be in water that is a reasonable concern. Heck, I would not want to be liable in that situation as well. I mean that is just a potential law-suit situation.

Yet, Sam was still teetering on whether he wanted to do it.

Then he told one of the funniest and potentially borderline inappropriate stories I have ever had the pleasure of hearing him tell.

Sam began to recall an event that was the genesis of sorts to his lack of admiration for young kids.

"It was this one time in school... It was on Halloween, it had to of been because I was dressed as Abraham Lincoln. And I had to like do this thing where I had to watch kids on the playscape for some reason. And you know, I am dressed up as Abraham Lincoln so kids where running up to me and touching me and grabbing on to me, but there was just this one kid who..."

Now, to be honest with you when he said the the part, "But there was just this one kid who..." I seriously thought he was going to finish the statement by saying, "Acted like he shot me." Which would have had me on the verge of tears due to laughter.

But, what Sam said actually sent me beyond tears.

Sam continued, "But there was this one kid who... just kept on going for it."

I almost had to pull over the car due to my laughter.

I asked him how he reacted, and again he dropped another comedic nugget.

Sam told me he looked at what he figured was a first grader and said, "Are you gay or something?"

I told Sam how could the kid even know if he was. He replied, "I don't know, but the lunch-mom was not happy with me at all." I could not resist, I had to ask Sam what he told the lunch-mom. He said, "I was like I am sorry for calling him gay, I know that was not the right thing to say."

I had to bring to Sam's attention that that kid probably went home and told his parents at dinner any slew of these statement scenarios:

-"Mommy, what is gay?"
-"Abraham Lincoln called me gay today in school."

And so on and so forth.

I had ask Sam why he said what he said to that first grader, and his reply was this...

"Well, I was dressed as Abraham Lincoln. So technically in that scenario I could not tell a lie."

One of his best stories yet.