Honest Abe

Now. I have very funny friends, but I have to admit that only a handful of them really, really make me laugh. And one of those people is my friend Sam.

His stories are profound to say the least, he has a way of explaining "hairy" situations in an incredibly comical way, that make you feel for him, yet you still want to laugh in his face. Whether it be when he said the Our Father over the P.A. in an English accent or the subsequent impeachment of his class Presidency that followed, he really has a way of being able to make fun of the situations he was in.

Last night Sam gave another one of those stories.

He told it as I was driving to Dan's to pick him up for poker at my friend Frank's. Sam was sitting shot-gun, and we were discussing having to deal with little kids, because Sam is contemplating becoming a certified swim instructor so he could get a raise.

We both came to the consensus that having to deal with kids really is not that bad. But, when they are in groups there is always that one kid who has to be related to Damien from the Omen. Just that kid who goes out of his way to sabotage your self-esteem.

Sam was also leery about the idea of being liable for kids who do not know how to swim, and since they will be in water that is a reasonable concern. Heck, I would not want to be liable in that situation as well. I mean that is just a potential law-suit situation.

Yet, Sam was still teetering on whether he wanted to do it.

Then he told one of the funniest and potentially borderline inappropriate stories I have ever had the pleasure of hearing him tell.

Sam began to recall an event that was the genesis of sorts to his lack of admiration for young kids.

"It was this one time in school... It was on Halloween, it had to of been because I was dressed as Abraham Lincoln. And I had to like do this thing where I had to watch kids on the playscape for some reason. And you know, I am dressed up as Abraham Lincoln so kids where running up to me and touching me and grabbing on to me, but there was just this one kid who..."

Now, to be honest with you when he said the the part, "But there was just this one kid who..." I seriously thought he was going to finish the statement by saying, "Acted like he shot me." Which would have had me on the verge of tears due to laughter.

But, what Sam said actually sent me beyond tears.

Sam continued, "But there was this one kid who... just kept on going for it."

I almost had to pull over the car due to my laughter.

I asked him how he reacted, and again he dropped another comedic nugget.

Sam told me he looked at what he figured was a first grader and said, "Are you gay or something?"

I told Sam how could the kid even know if he was. He replied, "I don't know, but the lunch-mom was not happy with me at all." I could not resist, I had to ask Sam what he told the lunch-mom. He said, "I was like I am sorry for calling him gay, I know that was not the right thing to say."

I had to bring to Sam's attention that that kid probably went home and told his parents at dinner any slew of these statement scenarios:

-"Mommy, what is gay?"
-"Abraham Lincoln called me gay today in school."

And so on and so forth.

I had ask Sam why he said what he said to that first grader, and his reply was this...

"Well, I was dressed as Abraham Lincoln. So technically in that scenario I could not tell a lie."

One of his best stories yet.