New Rules

Last year when I was on my high school newspaper (The Husky), I had this amazing teacher. Her name was Linda Bejma, and in many ways she changed my life. She gave me so many opportunities in the short time I knew, and one of those opportunities was a column I got for the last two issues of the paper last year.

The theme was based off a segment on Bill Maher's show Real Time With Bill Maher. A segment New Rules. In the segment he talks about things that get on his nerves and gives comical rules that people who do those things would have to do adhere to from then on.

Bejma thought that kind of thing would be right up my alley and asked me to do my own. And I did.

So in homage to Bejma every Wednesday on this blog I will do my own New Rules. 

Since I am a little rusty this week will be a Greatest Hits of sorts from one's that I did while I was on the Husky.

New Rule: People who wear UFC, Tapout, and skateboarding t-shirts who do not participate in those activities should be forced to. Wearing a t-shirt does not make you a barbaric cage-fighter or a bragadocious skateboarder. It makes you a wanna-be.

New Rule: Barack Obama is not a communist, nor is he a socialist. Do not get in argument with me about socialism when you do not even know the definition. In that scenario I have every right to take you to the nearest chalk board and have you write out "I do not know what socialism is" 1000 times on that very chalkboard. Afterwords, I can show you examples of actual communist and socialistic societies and show how our constitution is fundamentally based on socialistic ideals.

New Rule: Stop telling me that Universal Health Care comes with death panels. Universal Health Care does not come with death panels. Well, because there is no such thing. Just because a former politician says it on a blog, it does not make it true. No, your grandparents will not be refused care. In fact, Universal Health Care means just that- an all encompassing Health Care system that does not neglect or segregate. And actually does away with the real death panels, the insurance companies and their get out of jail free card... pre-existing conditions.

New Rule: Young Tea Partiers. It would help your cause if you actually knew what exactly your proposed “revolution” involves. Obama did not invent taxes, so stop acting like it. Under Obama’s watch taxes have actually gone down five percent for most middle class families, and 95 percent of Americans would get a tax break under his economic plan. John Lennon once said it best, “You say you want a revolution. Well, you know. We all want to change the world.” But the fact is you are not changing the world and you are not starting a revolution. You are in actuality de-revolutionizing; you are stalemating any progress that can be made. You are halting any change that could happen. Any change that needs to happen. Much like your Republican counterparts in Washington.

New Rule: Elder Tea Partiers. The big bad health care boogeyman is not coming to get you. The majority of you who already have Medicare and collect social security checks will be safe. Ironically, you will be protected with government sanctioned health care. The same government sanctioned health you do not want even though you already have it and have been getting for years. Much like your younger constituents you really should do your homework. It might help your cause if you new what your cause was.

New Rule: Justin Beiber. Nobody cares about how your last name is pronounced. Because by the time everyone pronounces it right, your fifteen minutes of fame will be over. Before you jump into the rap game and start rolling with your posse you might want to take the training wheels off you bicycle. If you want to be a rapper at least hold out until you have a license, and your mother let’s stay out until midnight. You know because that gives you some street cred.

 New Rule: Bro. Hey man. Dude. Listen I have to tell you like the sweetest thing ever. Like this thing was like dude and like it was like dude and bro I was like dude. Stop. When the word dude and like accounts for 95-98 percent of your description. It might not be the sweetest thing ever. 

New Rule: Person with gum. I know it was not your last piece, I know you did not leave it at home. I know it is not in your locker. It is in your pocket. I am just asking for a measly piece of gum. Not a million dollars. I am just asking for a little tropical flavored treat to get me through the day.

New Rule: To all you Ernie Harwell detractors. He is not just an announcer. He is the single most important sports figure in Michigan history. Sure there are the Howe's, Lindsay's, Kaline's, Cobb's, Dumar's, Lanier's, Yzerman's, and Sander's. But there is and will only be one Harwell. He personified what being an athlete and professional was all about. And he never actually donned the old English D. He just described the people who did. If you grew up a Tiger fan, you grew up with Ernie. And now there will be a generation that will never get to experience the voice of summer, but they will forever get to indulge in the vast history that was so eloquently reverberated to us through the voice of Ernie.