I Think I Am A Horrible Person Now...

Today was just one of those days. You know, the kind of day when you look in the mirror, or go to Culver's with friends and realize, "Man, I am just a horrible person." And boy did that realization sting a bit. But, I realized if I am going to hell in a hand basket, I will probably have to scoot over to make room for my friends Craig and Alex.

The jokes they say at times can make even Andrew Dice Clay go, "That is messed up." Their Helen Keller jokes  are even more obscene. They push the boundaries of what is considered ethical. They conjure the proverbial O-M-G. They have no reason to be said in public forum, yet they same them. And I laugh every time.

I absolutely have to share my three favorite Helen Keller jokes that were said today (and if you are thinking, "How dare you be so insensitive!" May I refer you to the entry title... Plus, you know you want to read them too.)

So here they are:

Craig: "Hey did you hear about the knew Helen Keller toy? Yeah, you just pull a string and it runs into furniture around the house."
Alex: "Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she jumped off a climb? Because she had mittens on."
Craig: "How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They made her read a basketball. What did that say Helen? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

And I laughed at every single one. Openly exclaiming through my laughter, "That is sooooo bad, but damn it it is funny." And each time I laughed I had the epiphany that I may be turning into a horrible person.

What confirmed it was later in the day when I picked up Chinese food for dinner.

Now, okay I love it when cashiers/waiters/etc. are sociable. I enjoy it, in fact I appreciate it. But, I hate it when cashiers throw in the curve-ball salutation when I am leaving. Like instead of saying, "Have a nice day." They roll with, "Enjoy your food." Because I am already mentally programmed to say. "You too."

To further exacerbate this I will share a story about why I hate, or should I say really do not enjoy when cashiers throw in the curve-ball bye-bye.

This story took place in the C-Store at my college SVSU. The C-Store is like our campus 7-11. I purchased a bag of chips and a beverage, and this cashier who I had befriended was at the register. Every time she said, "Have a good night." and I always said, "You too." This time she switched it up, and went with, "Enjoy the food." And since it was already mentally on deck I said, "You too." And I immediately followed that with, "Wait, what no that makes no sense how could you enjoy my food." I felt like a real jackal.

Now after Taratino-ing it there for a second let me reel you in back to the Chinese restaurant. Same exact thing happened. Instead of, "Have a nice night" it was "Enjoy the food" Here you would expect me to mentally call an audible and respond with, "Thank you, and have a good night." And I thank you for expecting that I am capable of that, but I of course blew it and said, "You too."

Then in the car on the way home I thought to myself, "Huh, people think it will be bad when robots get human emotions, but what if humans get robotic with their emotions?" But then I mentally rushed through every single robot movie and realized as long as the human race has Will Smith we are good.

And after my dad and I ate the delicious chinese food, my brother came home. And what is the first thing I did? Told him the Helen Keller jokes. All the while in the back of mind all I could think was, "I think I am a horrible person now."

But my brother laughed at the jokes too, so by joke laughter association he is going to hell too.

So if I am going to hell, I think I am going to need a bigger hand basket.