Ice Cube was right. Flub the police. But he was wrong because they do not only hate on teenagers because they are brown. But they also hate on them because some nineteen-year-old Polish kids can not ride bikes properly in poorly lit areas.
Not to shock anyone. But I am that nineteen-year-old Polish kid. And in my defense. It was a new bike. Well not really "new" in the sense of recent. Because the bike is older than disco. But it is new in the sense that this was the first time I have taken it for a spin, or pedal. Or whatever bike quip applies here.
This bike was purchased for me at a garage sale last summer by my mother. In her words over the phone as she bought it, she told me, "It is a little old, but it is a Schwinn. It is a good quality bike."
I found out my mom kind of lied a bit. And by a bit. I mean a lot.
First thing I noticed was that the tires were thinner than Snooki's attention span. Second thing I noticed was that the rear brakes were not fully there. Meaning the brake wire was severed. Winning. Third thing I noticed was that I still have quadriceps like Lou Ferrigno (he's the Hulk).
I thought I was just going to trek around the FYS and chain the bike to a closer bike rack. But I decided, no. I am going to exercise for the first time since the Vietnam War. So before I knew it, I began traversing the campus.
The campus for the most part is adequately lit. Except for the area surrounding the Campus Police station. It's like rain on your wedding day, and good advice that you just didn't take. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Look, it is not every day you can slip Alanis Morissette lyrics in a conventional paragraph. This was one of those days. So suck it.
To bring you back to par with this story...
I have no rear brakes.
This Campus Police sidewalk is poorly lit.
And has a broken/ un-even sidewalk.
Yeah you guessed it. Boom goes the dynamite.
I spot the huge disparity of sidewalk about 3 seconds before contact. So I think, "Yeah I can hop this!" Turns out, well no I can't. I was about three feet away from going full on closing scene from E.T. I did the splits in the mud, and I thought I lost my index toe. (By the by, I am barefoot during all of this, because shoes suck).
I then get up to see a Campus Police S.U.V. or Sports Utility Vehicle. With two blue shirts in it or Cops. I figured since they were 20 feet from where I biffed it, they would have at least asked if I was okay.
Instead I saw the Cop riding shotgun tap his partner on the shoulder, and gave him the "Hey look at that jackass" finger point. For the initial thirty seconds of comprehension after that, I realized I was Ice Cube. Like full on.
My bike ride continued though. And then I almost got hit by a car. Given I would have been at fault because I shouted, "Have no brakes. Just turn!" Then something horrible happened. I....
lost all battery power in my iPod.
When that occurred I had just passed two girls walking. And I also shouted out a phrase that rhymes with "small smack pick puck". They thought I directed it at them. Rather, it was directed at my iPod. Cleverly named, "I am Aaron's iPod, and your not" in homage to Chevy Chase. For dying right when I was about to kick it into overdrive with some Stooges and Raw Power.
In pain, I retreated back to the dorm.
But as I made my way back to them dorm, I spotted my intellectual foe Cuppa' Joe.
And I flicked him off.
So if I may, let me end this post with a quote from the Comic Book Guy...
"Worst Greatest bike ride ever!"
And on a lighter note, I found the perfect name for my new-ish bike.
E.T.
It is green too.
So in a way. I did not even end this post in a Comic Book guy quote.
Inception.
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